And what does a brand new year usually mean????? A brand new diet. I hate this time of year. I hate going to the gym because everyone and their brother has decided that it is time to head back to the gym as well. Even those who last visited last January. Don't get me wrong... I give you kudos for heading back, I would be more impressed if you stayed throughout the year and did not hog up the weights pretending you know what you are doing.
But my problem is I struggle with my weight. There. I said it. I normally keep that kind of stuff to myself. If one were to look at me, they probably do not think that I have a weight issue. 99% of the clothes in my closet are a size 4. The other 1% make up the one pair of Size 2 slacks from Anthropologie (That I love and yes, can still fit into...) and the one pair of size 6 slacks, that I have to admit, are a lot more comfortable than I would like them to be.
Now I know what you are all thinking.... I should be sooo happy that I am a size 4. Well the problem is, I look at myself and think, how in the world do I fit into a size 4? To me, I always look at myself and think that I need to lose weight. Unfortunately, this started very early on in my adult life. I had a boyfriend who eventually became a husband always always made me feel bad about my appearance. Always telling me I should not eat this and should not eat that. It sucked and hurt me so badly, that years and years later I still struggle with it. Eventually about 10 years into our relationshp I hit my largest size... 10. I was mortified. He started working out with a trainer and I started too as well. I lost almost 30 pounds and at my skinniest I wore a size 2 consistantly. I loved the way I looked back then. I have gained about 10 of those pounds back over the last 6 years since I have been away from him and although those 10 pounds only attributed to one pant size, I am still haunted by them. I had always wished he would think I was beautiful no matter what. I knew that was not true. Maybe the day I left him he thought that, but I seriously doubt it. If he always thought I was beautiful, would we still be together? Probably not. We had other issues. But I didn't realize how fat he thought I was until I lost weight.
And even now, I am with a man who is extremely physically fit. He even likes going to the gym. He actually thinks it is fun! I wish I shared his enthusiasm. But I go, because I have to, not cause I want to. And it is time we get to spend together, since I do his workout. And I still think to myself, does Rich think I am too fat? He would never say it (and hopefully never think it!) but I struggle with it. I look in the mirror and go, yuck... he doesn't want to have a fat wife.
So tomorrow starts back on the strict diet. 6 days of eating clean, 1 day of cheating. the menu is pretty basic... Oatmeal for breakfast. Protein Bar (or yogurt) for a snack, chicken and a cup of rice for lunch, a low carb item for a snack and then 4 more oz of protein with veggies and a salad for dinner. Sounds delicious right? The thing is, I know I can lose 10-15 pounds just by eating like this for a month. So I just need to suck it up and do it.....
So check back with me in 30 days from now... hopefully I will be a few pounds lighter... I just wonder when will I ever feel I don't have to diet??? Will that ever happen?
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